Big Mike’s arrest — and the cowardly conceit of the cop responsible — have provided a wealth of inspiration, in activist ideas, protest techniques, and, but of course, artistic endeavors. In that last category, I submit the following:
There’s no real melody for this piece. It mimics the style popularized on many a decoupaged plaque from roadside boutiques specializing in cheap gimcracks (I can provide a number of Plan 9 from Outer Space – level-quality examples discovered in the course of my research).:
A POLICEMAN’S PRAYER
LORD, when I don the badge and blue,
Make strong my heart to keep
My goal to ever be like You–
In charge of all the sheep.
With Thy tough oversight, ensure,
When I confront the mob,
What matters most is kept secure:
My ego and my job.
Guide my imagination
So citizens will not
See through some regulation
I’ve made up on the spot.
If I should take a life, O Lord,
Grant full exoneration.
Add to my life the rich reward
Of two weeks’ paid vacation.
When I’m in court, Lord, keep the eyes
Of judge and jurors closed,
So even my most bald-faced lies
Will never be exposed.
Guide, too, the men who make the laws
Each time they meet in session,
That there will always be just cause
For my acts of aggression.
Keep the populace so dumb
That they’ll always agree
They must have my protection from
A greater threat than me.
Exact upon them, from above,
Thy judgment most severe.
I don’t need their respect or love,
But please ensure their fear.
With a little syllabic Tetris, this one can be sung to the alphabet ditty. You may get a chance to hear it sung soon on Lauren’s podcast:
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
Inevitably, when a cop
Accosts you at a routine stop,
Some little tips that you can sing
Can keep the worst from happening.
A camera’s easy to afford;
You see blue lights, you hit RECORD.
Memorize, for later blame,
His badge’s number, and his name.
Make no statements; be evasive–
Court’s the place to be persuasive.
Phrase your answers like they’re questions;
Don’t react to rude suggestions.
Stay calm. Be polite.
Don’t argue, even though you’re right.
Anything you say or do
Can serve in court to railroad you.
Don’t touch a cop, he’ll cry “Assault!”
And courts will find that you’re at fault.
Likewise, never turn and run
That’s his excuse to use his gun.
Like the crook he thinks you are,
He’ll ask to search you, or your car.
Refuse. He’ll badger. Don’t relent.
By law, he still needs your consent.
Repeat two questions in a row–
Am I: Being detained? or Free to go?
Don’t resist him, just obey.
Demand a lawyer right away.
Despite your teaching, in the end,
Mister Cop is not your friend.
Think it’s unfair? Please arrange
To help Free Staters work for change.
