Subject: being gay in Jail.
I haven’t been in the closet since freshman year of high school. I forgot how guys joke around making sex jokes of each other all the time, making fake gay voices and fake touchy feely on themselves and their friends. I missed it a litte, fitting in with that humor. I still it funny, but for some reaons, when people know I’m gay they don’t joke like that around me. Maybe they’re afraid they’ll hurt my feelings if they say those things in front of me. Now that I’m in on the jokes again, I feel the same sting I felt freshmen year of high school. Like every second it’s on the tip of my tongue: “Don’t you know I’m gay?” But I haven’t uttered it yet. I stayed silent, tounge tied, holding it back. I’m atraid of how I’ll be treated differently, how I wont be a part of the jokes anymore, and more horrifyingly, how the jokes will change.
Will I be the subject of every rape joke when everyone knows? I know I was at the table with the other gays in D-Block, but only one was out, and I still hear the guys refer to him as “the gay guy”. THE gay guy? He’s not the only one at all, just the only one OUT. Is everyone else’s gaydar so awful?
Jail is a sexually frustrated environment filled with straight macho men. Being gay here is easy as long as I keep my mouth shut.
But I can’t live like that. It’s not anyone’s business, but when I’m asked questions like “vaginal or anal – which is better?” how can I keep from responding “Don’t you know I take it up the ass?”
To remain silent in times like that is to live a lie. Telling a half-truth, even though I have no obligation to answer that question hurts me inside because I am not being true to myself.
Maybe the guy who asked me that didn’t know a polite way to say “are you gay?” and just wanted to give me an opportunity to say it. Earlier, he asked if I had a girlfriend because I’m a young, good-looking guy. I mumbled something about how the liberty movement is really small – another half truth.
Truth is though, I wouldn’t mind telling some people, but I’m afraid that others will overhear.
I know, I know, who cares what other people think? But why should I say anything? It’s nobody’s business. Reality is, guys talk about sex in jail a lot. I would respect myself more if I were out and open. I was the President of the Gay – Straight Alliance in High School. It was scary, year, but some of the fear went away because I was out. And I could respect myself more for not being afraid to be honest about who I am. Cool people will respect me for the respect I have for myself and who cares what the hatersthingk? I’m done being in the closet again. I haven’t been there in 8 years, more than 1/3 of my life, so why would I go back in just because I’m in jail and afraid of what tough guys will say.
Starting tomorrow, I will be bigger than that. I will be courageous and be true to myself and honest about who I am, not fearful or ashamed. I’ll tell you how that goes…
