The former Pope Indigent of The Church of the Invisible Hand, Nobody, is still in jail. He has been meeting other prisoners, listening to their stories and proselytizing while locked up. He started a newsletter called “Spank”, and has been gathering addresses of people both in and out of jail. I, Bonnie, Peace Nun of the Shire Free Church and one of the Priestesses of the Church of the Invisible Hand, have taken on the role of typing up some things he has written in jail and getting them out to subscribers of Spank. Here is the introduction that will be in every newsletter.
Welcome to “Spank”, the newsletter of the Church of the Invisible Hand’s Prison Outreach Ministry.
Here, we will discuss the spirituality and beliefs of the Church, the sources that inspire it, the ideas that inform it, (both as a whole and in individual practice,) and the practices, both universal and individual, by which we express our beliefs and exercise our faith in them.
As we enter into the long predicted Tribulations and the time of Persecutions of our faith, we beg of our newer Brothers and Sisters to views us with an open mind. Our ideas may seem foreign to you. Our ways may seem strange. But if you study them, we believe you will find, as we have, a faith that works for us, both in theory and in practice. We ask nothing of you but your time and thoughts. If our ways are not for you, we will gladly refund your misery.
The Church is, like Discordianism, an open-source religion. If you agree with us for the most part, but find some of our beliefs unacceptable to you, we invite you to discard those parts of our faith that do not work for you and replace them with others that do. There are a few parts of our faith which cannot be changed without rendering your brand of religion alien to, and irreconcilable with ours. If you believe that you have the right to force your ways on unconsenting others, then your ways are not ours. Please reconsider, and if you cannot, go from us in peace. We advise you not to try to impose your ways on us, or on those we love. If you can do even this, you can live in peace with us. If you believe that races are superior to, or inferior to other races, then we have no time for you. There is one race; the human race. All else is nonsense. We will council you if you wish to hear us, but we will never recognize you as being of our faith until you recant this nonsense. Claim no connection to the Church, we excommunicate you.
The invisible hand of Nature, and its antithesis, the Visible Boot of Government, are not entities or deities in the classical sense. They are more similar to the yin and yang of Taoism. Masculine and feminine, light and dark, right and wrong, good and evil. If you feel your understanding of the Tao is so good that you may force it on others, you have no understanding of the Tao. The way which can be spoken is not the true way. The course which can be forced is not the true course.
If you know anyone who you think would enjoy our newsletter, please send us their name and address at the return address included. Soon, we hope to be able to include business reply postcards, but these things take time, and we are but an egg. Or, perhaps, a clutch. Conversely, if you wish to cancel your subscription, just let us know, or pass future copies on to others. If you want our words to be heard by others, send us money and help us amplify, market and promote our message. Five bucks a month will pay for printing and mailing for many.
We look forward to meeting you and knowing you, as we trudge the road to happy destiny. Until then, we leave you with the traditional Blessing of our People: May the Visible Boot of the Government kick not in thy Door, nor thy Teeth, nor Stomp Upon thy Face. Ramen.
If you’re interested in getting on the mailing list, email a mailing address or email to firstname.lastname@example.org. Or send mail to Nobody at:
Nobody (Formerly Rich Paul)
314 Daniel Webster Hwy
Boscawen, NH 03303