Derrick J’s Jail Journal, Part 1

Thanks to Julia for the transcription, we now have the first portion of Derrick J’s jail journal for you to read! Don’t forget you can write to Derrick and Beau at Mail-to-Jail!

Also, still to come – more of the journal and also some blog posts from Derrick. Here’s the text of the journal entries through 5/15:

5/8/12 – Day 2
I walked in here yesterday shortly after 4:20 PM. I have been treated well by everyone here. I am no longer in isolation. I am in general population with some of the other inmates, who are pretty friendly. Some of them I recognize from my time here last month. I am in R-Block. Currently, my sentence is 50 days but at an unknown date and time, I will be called before District Court where a sentence for the Live Free of Dance Party will be added to my current sentence. I am hoping the sentence is suspended but using history as a guide, my educated guess is that a sentence of 180 days plus $1240, all but the fine suspended, will be imposed. I won’t pay the fine but will ask if 124 hours of community service would serve the fine. If the find is paid, I could be out on June 25th. If not, I will serve time at the House of Corrections at the rate of $50 a day. FTL, its active listenership, and the activists in The Shire are the only things keeping me hanging on with my chin up. My hope is that people will be exposed to the ideas of liberty and decide to move to The Shire to get active. I strongly recommend focusing on activism that has little risk of jail.
I want to tell my parents before I forget – Happy Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. I’ll be in jail for those, but I’ll be thinking of you and making breakfast for you both with I get out.

I don’t have regrets about this because I think a lot of good came from it, but I’d like to share that if I had the opportunity to do it all again, knowing what I know now, I would focus my activism on one thing at a time until it was completely resolved in court before moving on to the next thing.
I love you, and I love the listeners of this show! Thanks for your support everyone! Cecelia Freechild is my official spokesperson who will be updating LiveFreeorDance.com while I’m away. She’s my #1 contact on the outside right now.

I tried to call in to FTL, but I wasn’t successful (for whatever reason, my call was not accepted). Tomorrow Beau will be here. He is expected for 25 days, I think. It will be good to have his company. I am most looking forward to falling into a routine so that some of the fear of the unknown disappears. I also look forward to receiving the pens I ordered on commissary – the $15 from last month is still in the account, but Ian’s $50 wouldn’t take in the machine, so I’ll have to wait until next Friday to get a radio. I haven’t yet heard the official sentence for LFOD, but I anticipate the fine will stay, meaning today is now, I think, day 2 of 75. One of the jail guards just confirmed that for me. During Sentencing, I will remind the court that I spent the night in jail and so $50 should be removed from the fine, if the whole thing won’t just be suspended. If I do serve 75 days, it will make me the longest-serving Keeniac yet, but I’m happy without that title if circumstances change.

5/9/12 – Day 3
Today I woke up and sat with the other guys in blue in the day room. I met a man in orange (a fed) named John Davis. I had a good chat with him about his victimization by state agents for modifying a shot gun without state permission. It was my first time in the open-air area. It’s a tiny hallway with a camera and a window with a grate. I’d love to come here and take pictures to show how inadequate it is. I’m looking forward to seeing Beau today. I know it’s selfish of me to wish for his company in here, but I really like Beau and I feel like he’ll help me get by when days go by slowly.
In many ways this is sort of opposite world for me. Naturally, in freedom, I like to wake up late, shower often, get to work doing something rewarding and exciting, hope that time goes by slowly so that I can enjoy life more, and fight sleep to stay awake and learn something new, play, and/or keep working. Here, I wake up early, eat, try to make the day pass quickly, hope to write or do something productive, and then go to sleep as early as I can. The goal of this stay, for me at this time, is to get it over with as soon as possible rather than enjoy every step along the journey. Perhaps I should focus more on enjoying my time here and making it productive by setting new goals. Some goals may include: re-writing the lyrics of songs to have a liberty message, write about the stories of victimization by the state of my new inmate friends and neighbors. I could also just exercise my imagination. I do look forward to dreaming if I am able, I may try to nap now…. That was a success. Now I’ve eaten lunch, played Solitaire, talked with Mr.Trombli about FreeKeene.com, and now it’s 2 PM and I have 73 days left. I still don’t know what my release date is. I hope my days here are reduced. I can have a positive attitude, but I know that being here would never be my preference.
Gosh I’m bored. The only thing I can think to do is write stream of consciousness style. I wish that I could call and talk to Nicholas Shanklin. I miss him a lot right now. I know he would give me a big hug if he could, but I am trapped here in this jail – how absurd! Some people in front of me are playing chess. Perhaps I should think about writing a blog post for FK or LFOD.com. It has been tough for me to think in here for some reason. I think the lack of outside light and air might have something to do with it, but it happens in here every time. I feel neutered or stupid. Perhaps it is best to keep my mind and boy distracted…

This paper is provided by John Davis, the Federal Inmate. John is plea-ing for 20-46 months rather than risk going to trial and risking 10 years. I think if he were straight with the jury and pointed out that there were no victims, he would be let free, but it’s a big gamble and it’s his ass on the line. Another friendly man here, Michael, is here because a neighbor alleged that he pointed a gun at him, and when the police came to Michael’s house, he had been drinking alcohol, a violation of his bail. As of yet, I haven’t met a single inmate who has created a victim. 2 of the people here are serving 12 months for driving without a license.
Seeing the number of victims created by the state in the name of protecting the public is absurd. The State creates more victims than any other organization I know, and it just seems like freedom is freaking illegal everywhere you turn.
They house Federal Inmates here, a questionable practice. They give people “good time” for working but do not pay them or give them days off. In 3.5 weeks of working my roommate Joe only got one day off.
Joe said his probation officer was rarely at his office in Manchester but has twice showed up at his house. One of those times, Joe was “underage drinking” (at age 19 or 20) when the P.O. walked into his house and car and found a stem and a bowl. He feels like he is being age profiled like racial profiling.
I’m doing my best to kill time, but I will have to improve. I was doing the types of things one does in a doctor’s office while waiting for an appointment (looking around, biting my cheek, picking at my fingernails etc.) Whoops! Now it’s 2:30 and they call “Head Count!” and everyone must go and lock themselves in their cells while the guards count us. There are only like 5 R-Block inmates here not including myself, so it seems really silly. We will be locked in here until 5 PM, dinner time. My pencil will probably go dull by then. I look forward to being able to have a pen. I am grateful to have a book even if it is a crappy King Arthur story. I keep running to the cell door whenever I hear another door slam because I think it might be Beau. I miss him. He’s so wonderful and brilliant.
I just played 8 games of Solitaire to completion when the mail came in. I received the letter I wrote myself before coming in. I think Renee sent it for me. I’m so glad she did. I’ll try calling some numbers, especially Nicholas, right away. Since I only get one minute complementary collect call per number, I’ll wait on the others.

5/10/12 – Day 4
I just learned today that fines are served in segregation rather than general population. This disturbs me and kind of makes my head spin. Beau is being brought out of segregation and observation and brought to D-Block. I’m sad because I wished he would be here with me but it will be good for Josh to have the company. I also had my first visitors today – Ian + Kelly. I also go to call in to FTL and share my story for the first time, where Ian revealed to me that already $260 of my upcoming trip has been funded, which is over 10% of the total. That was encouraging. I’m writing this now just about 10 feet from Beau’s “observation” cell, but he looks really sad.
I asked if I could give Beau a hug and the C.O., Mr. Coyle, said that would probably be ok if he were here. My. Coyle is funny even if in kind of a prick way.

I just remembered that Michele recommended that I write to Mr. Van Wickler, the man in charge or running the jail, to ask if I can serve a fine in general population rather than in segregation. Yay! I just communicated with Beau without either of us being spotted. I showed him the sign I made and he mouthed “I will. I miss you to”. [Amoung Derrick’s letters there was a sign that he made for Beau. I wasn’t sure how to transcribe it appropriately, so I left it out. It said: “I miss you. Tell Josh Hi.”] I’m sad that he’s going to D-Block, but I’ll ask if it’s possible for me to get moved to D-Block also. Perhaps a letter to Van Wickler about being moved would help. It sure is nice to have a real pencil with an eraser for once. The full-length pencil feels much nicer on my hand than the gold pencils which I am usually provided in this jail. My Ayers reluctantly provided it to me after my request for a law library visitation request form.

5/11/12 – Day 5
I was told to work in the jail kitchen this morning after breakfast. It was decent. I’d prefer to be writing. I working with my roommate Joe Ortega, Joe Leech, Matt Higgins, and a quiet funny guy named “Price”. My writing was interrupted to see some visitors (Kelly and Rene). The note to the left was help up to the screen to they would know why I was whispering into the phone. [The note says “Everyone whispers. It’s so weird. They tell me to be quiet”.] I was next to a guy who also had a visitor, and he was whispering, but I can’t wait to use my radio announcer voice once again.

The best part of working in the kitchen was being able to listen to music. We listened to an Aerosmith CD provided by Allison, one of the cooks, and chosen by Matt Higgins. I also met Scott, Don, and Butch, who are also kitchen staff (non- inmates). Scott is a jokester who working with Ian when he was at the Keene Spiritual Retreat. Scott grilled me with philosophical questions, most of them totally unoriginal and centering around roads or roving gangs that would take the place of government. Good grief. Don barely spoke and barely worked, staying inside his office, sipping coffee. Allison is a crass woman from Fitchburg, Mass.
I was called down to the kitchen to take the place of another who mumbled some groan of complaint under his breath when Don told him to go put on a hairnet. 2 officers came and put him in “bracelets” (handcuffs). I do not like this term [bracelets]. This story was later relayed to me by my roommate Joe. I worked from 8AM to 2 PM, taking a break at noon to eat lunch. It was good being able to prepare my own lunch, since I was able to pass on the ham sandwich which everyone else received in favor of a peanut butter sandwich. The choice was either meat or hydrogenation, a choice to which I would never limit myself in freedom. When I came back, I shaved and took my first shower in the facility. I had waited purposely because on Monday before coming in, I shaved my armpits and applied excessive Old Spice Deodorant, knowing that I would not have access to deodorant for at least two weeks while I waited for it to arrive with the canteen order.I think I look damn sharp today and wish I could flaunt my beauty by taking a walk or going out dancing or something. I feel like a rose under a lampshade or something. Sorry if that sounds vain, but that’s part of me.
The attitude of some of the inmates is very vexing. Most if not all – save for myself, Beau, and Josh – seem to believe they have done wrong, messed up, were bad, or something similar, even though they haven’t created a single victim. One guy, Thurston Thomas *fake name* is a tragic story. He studied in medical school for 7 years after spending 2 years with the navy. November 14, 2010 he was hit by a drunk driver and suffered brain damage as well as facial disfigurement. No longer able to complete medical school and suffering from pain, he developed an addiction to the opiate-based painkillers which he was prescribed. He became a heroin addict but was able to kick the habit in favor of a safer and cheaper drug, cough medicine.
March 2011, Thurston was drinking a beer and blacked out from less than 3 beers, even though he is a navy guy who can normally handle that. The alcohol had mixed with his anti-seizure medication. He didn’t know this would be the case because he was not a regular drinker, and the medication was new since the accident. During his blackout, he walked to a local center for mental health. Since he was wobbling and feeling friendly, he rested his hands on the shoulders of a woman standing inside. For this “horrendous crime” Thurston was arrested and charged with “simple assault”. He had court August 15, 2011 and was told that his sentence would be 1 year compliance with the terms of probation: that he visit with a probation officer once a week, and that his home was subject to search. On December 2011, Thurston stole a $2.97 bottle of cough syrup from a local pharmacy. Being a warm hearted and honest guy, he told his probation officer what he had done, even though he didn’t have to. The probation officer thanked Thurston for his honesty and told him that he should appear in court to pay restitution to the drug store. He did. The judged released him on $2000 P.R. and 1 year good behavior. On March 15, 2012, he drank one beer; it mixed poorly with his anti-seizure medication, and was awaken by the police on the floor of a Burger King bathroom.
Today was especially eventful. It was my first time in the kitchen, I was outside for about2 minutes while I took out the trash from the kitchen. Commissary arrived so now I have stamps, envelopes, pens (whoo!), playing cards, deodorant, and some floss. I’m happy with my decision not to buy snacks since I know I would be tempted to eat my boredom away. All things considered, I feel like I am beginning to settle in and adjust and have a rhythm, somewhat. I was visited by Kelly Voluntaryist and Renee, which was a joy. I’m looking forwards to having fun with those ladies when I am free(er).
I was surprised to learn today that the penalty for saying “No Thank you” when called for kitchen duty is 3 days in segregation, which is 23 hour “lock down” with one hour per day to do things like shower and make phone calls. I was surprised to also learn today that it is apparently, according to one guard, the policy of the jail that inmates serving time in place of fines must be in segregation. That means that even though it is apparently acceptable to serve 5-8 charges for crimes against the state concurrently, serving time for the violation – level offense of the town ordinance against “refusing to be processed” – must be served separately and in a torture chamber. Wow! I’ll check the inmate handbook as well as write to Mr. Van Wickler to confirm this is the case.

5/12/12 – Day 6
Wow, this place is interesting. I’m glad I wasn’t called for kitchen duty like my cell made Joe was earlier today at 5 AM. Not only do I get more time to sleep, but I get to write more. It’s harsh to wake up to clanging doors, the barked orders of officers, and the flash of all the lights in the cell block being clicked on at once. I had an interesting conversation with the provider of the pad of paper, “Federal inmate” John Davis. He is bright but his gift of mechanical innovation is not value by the people who call themselves the government because he altered a shotgun (his own) without reporting the change to Big Brother.
He revealed to me that an August publication of The Keene Sentinel wrote the words of Superintendent of CCHOC Rick Van Wickler that the jail receives $105 day for each Federal Inmate he houses, paid for by the U.S. Marshalls. Each inmate costs roughly $6 a day to house, he said, meaning a profit of $99/inmate, when at least 20 Feds are being housed here at any time. Though I’ve seen other Feds in D-Block, for some reason John Davis is treated differently and is put in partial segregation in R-Block, only permitted to communicate with others when out of his cell, which is 7AM – 12AM daily. He was told that he hasn’t done anything wrong, but that it is the policy of the jail – a new unwritten policy. Others (Goodchild) have told me that they have filedgrievances and have been punished for “misuse of a grievance form” even though the complaint (no outdoor area) us totally legitimate.
I find it interesting that people like Matt Higgins exist, by that I mean people who are happier inside a jail than out. My goodness, what social conditioning can do! He told me he had anxiety on the outside because every day he would wake up and have to figure out his day. In here, he says, he doesn’t feel that burden of responsibility. It’s like Aldous Huxley wrote, he’s been conditioned to love his slavery. He is here for 13 months for the “crime” of driving without a license.
John Davis and some others have told me about a man who needed his medication and got upset and impatient. He banged on the desk until he had broken the bolts right off and to this day, there is still no desk. The guards and superintendent came and told him that if he would calm down they would get himhis psychiatric meds. Well they ended up tasing him and putting him in segregation where he still awaits prison for charges arising because of that night. He had only come in on the charge of driving without a license, a victimless crime, but because of his detainment and the level of force used, the general situationfor everybody was made worse – the jail guards, him, the taxpayer, etc.
I feel fortunate in that my cell mate Joe says that I can have his radio in 9 days when he leaves. It appears to be the “old style” that fed Ryan from D-Block told me about – digital with presets – rather than dials. It seems like contraband and stuff is not a major issue around here – not as in “it doesn’t happen” but as in “the guards don’t care to flip everyone’s room upside down to look for an old radio or deck of cards without a receipt”.

I’m wondering if the fact that I wasn’t called to work in the kitchen has anything to do with my answer to a question posed by one of the cooks yesterday. When asked how I like working there in the kitchen, I paused and replied “I don’t know how to begin thinking about how to answer that question.” (Royal Tenenbaums) I went on “It’s okay – I’m not complaining – I like the music, but I’d rather be writing.” That was met by a short bout of silence as we all continued our work. I wish they would let Josh work in the kitchen – I know he would love it. I miss him and our kitchen. Okay, time for a game of cards while I try to digest this high fructose infested meaty meal. Bleh! =l
Oh! And I’m grateful to Joe for offering me the jail coffee cup he ordered off the canteen because now I can drink water. Before, I wasn’t getting enough hydration because I had to rely on the messy and annoying and uncomfortable spicket in the cell. Using a cup is a luxury here. =D
A crazy boy who was charged with simply assault has left today – strange that a simple assault charge would spend just a few days here and my victimless crimes land me in a cell for weeks. I’m curious as to why I have not been given access to the law library yet. I filled out the request form 2 days ago! Woo, I took a nap after lunch and just woke up for a “head count” which, during the day here means I am locked in my cell from 2:30- 5PM. It is a wicked nice day out today – like 70-80 degrees and not a cloud in the sky; the kind of clear majestic blue where you can always see past the atmosphere and right into boundless space.

Wow! So I was just told by Mr. Jailguard Griffin that the jail has no more thumb drives, and if I want to file a motion, I have to write it out and get photocopies at the cost of $.50 per page! Hah! Amazing. This comes just days after a flood of grievances were filed complaining that this place was breaking federal law left and right. Does tyranny have to makeitself so obvious?! What I willdo to circumvent this snag in my plans is to make 2 handwritten copies of my motions, keep one, and send one to the KAC, where my activist friends will scan it and post it online as well as make 2 photocopies to send to the judge and city persecutor. I will repeal this process as needed. Ugh – the “justice system” in 2012 – what a joke !! =D
This place is a whole different type of wake up- call One of the workers here told me I was naive because I argued that entrepreneurs seek opportunities to trade with others in order to amass wealth whereas the people who call themselves “the government” by contrast, simply demand money without the consent of the party receiving the service. Then he said that the consent is given by living here – hah! OMG, how many times must these fallacious arguments be defeated? A lifetime? There’s got to be a more efficient way. I’m really proud of myself for not buying and snacks from the canteen. I am hungry and the sun hasn’t yet gone down, but I just forced down 24 oz of water instead of food. I don’t know it it’s the satisfaction of knowing I’m not taking in empty calories or simply not rewarding the commissary company’s relationship with the jail, but it makes me feel pretty good to endure without purchasing extra food. Hopefully it will make it easier for me to burn away the flab in my tummy and build up some sexy abs! =D
This schedule really doesn’t jive with me! Joe (my roommate) just shared with me that on the outside he typically sleeps from 10-11 PM – 4=5 AM. Whoa! What? Any adult going to sleep at 10 PM, are you kidding me? Anyway, in case the reader doesn’t know I am used to sleeping from 5-6 AM – 12-1PM. My dilemma is that I am WIDE awake and Joe is tired and has been lying down for about an hour in darkness. I can’t really do anything besides write because he is a very sensitive sleeper and won’t be able to sleep if I’m making any noise – oh and great – he says he is really cranky if he doesn’t get enough sleep – why is that always the case with people who are light sleepers? I call it being needy, but eh, I’ll lie here and try to adjust over the next week until he’s gone.
I’m feeling extra energized because I know the KAC is doing Karaoke – I used to look forward to it all week. I’m glad my mother stressed to me the value of practicing writing in cursive because I am writing this in the dark and I know it would be impossible if I had not done handwriting exercises. It just so frustration – I can’t even read until I fall asleep.
Seriously – ugh! I feel so trapped. I like my roommate Joe a lot but when I was in a cell by myself in D-Block I was one of the rooms with my lights on until like 3 in the morning as I read books and did push-ups and sit-ups. Now I just have to stay here in this bed, nearly motionless except for my pen moving in near pitch black darkness. Blech! It is nice to at least have a pen so that I don’t have to strain my wrist like with a pencil, plus it’s slightly quieter than a pencil and it doesn’t smudge. I’m also grateful to my 4th grade teacher for helping me get into the habit of writing in cursive. It helps with guide stream of consciousness writing. Damn, I can’t even write as I lean back on my pillow because the ink stops flowing. One thing I am looking forward to the most is having a chicken cheese steak from the Bread Board with my aunt. She’ll turn 94 in just a few weeks and I’m very excited to celebrate her life. She has been a limitless source of joy and strength for me – even helping me to not commit suicide when I was at my lowest, though I wouldn’t know how to tell her how much she means to me. I just love her so much but the gap between us is so wide that I couldn’t be 100% real with her. Let me try to sleep Goodnight. *tosses and turns for hours*

5/13/12 – Day 7
The world, as I see it, has been arranged as such: Those with power maintain their rule by deceit and those who don’t. There are individuals (globalists, let’s call them) who for generations have intentionally bred and groomed themselves outside of the rest of society by going to private schools when they learn that it is their job to rule over others and the mass of children attend “free” schools (which they actually pay for) where they are groomed and bred to act and live as slaves to shoes who were bred to rule them. If the earth were a place where – ah, scratch that. I just see individuals like jail guards and those jailed as part of the same class – its’ neo feudalism – those who call themselves the government somehow believe that either they are exempt from personal responsibility or they are doing the right thing.
I guess all I’m saying is – it’s a little too fishy how the world works with so many people so complacent in their slave lifestyle. Is humanity doomed to forever live as a self-cannibalizing beast? I must get better at spreading a clear and consistent message extolling the virtues of individual freedom – Ah! Perhaps I should request a Stephan Molyneux book for the jail.
May 13th 2012

Dear Friends,

I miss you all dearly and am thinking of you constantly. I am already 10% of the way through my anticipated sentence, although my actual release date is still uncertain at this time. Please find enclosed some of my writings from my experience here at the Keene Spiritual Retreat. Publish what you like where you like, but the original intention of these particular writings is to keep a journal of my thoughts and stave off loneliness. I am sending them to you in case you miss me and would find my jail musings interesting. Special thanks to Ian and Kelly for the frequent visits that help me feel connected to the outside. Also, special thanks to Cecelia for being my #1 point of contact and “the keeper of the keys” so to speak. Thank you also to those who helped me by tying up the loose ends left behind in my room – I am so grateful for your assistance in what was a tumultuous time for me.
Thank you!
Love Derrick J 😀

5/14/12 – Day 8
Great! After hours of tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep and having jailguards shine flashlights on me, I am awaken by a “BRRRRNKTC!” Gentlemen! Mr. Horton, Mr. Ortega. You both have kitchen duty this morning. You have about 30 minutes. It’s quarter after [5 AM]”. Ugh! NOOOOOOO!
I worked in the kitchen today with Joe Ortega, Joe Leech, James Price, and Lee “E” Shelton. It was okay and I ate a lot and enjoyed my conversation with Scott. Scott shared with me that he has 6 pet chickens and is interested in attaining personal independence “with a plan” rather than ideology.
I missed the opportunity to say goodbye to Shaun Legassee, who left today. Luckily my roommate got his contact info so I can do a followup on his story for victimlesscrimespree.com.
I received a book today. “Mrs. Richards” called me downstairs to receive it. It is “Be Still like the Humming Bird” by Henry Miller, a collection of essays. It was sent by my mom and selected by her and Rob. They told me to expect it Wednesday but it came 2 days early. “Mrs. Richards” told me that this time it would slide because I probably didn’t know, but in the future “Major Mousou” wants me to send him a memo on the kiosk informing him of any incoming books. The odd part is that I have no way of ordering books for myself, so there is literally no way I could know if a book is coming in from a fan or loved one unless I speak with them on the phone or “in person” during a visit. But since the jail doesn’t allow incoming calls, how is a fan supposed to tell me that they have sent something?? It seems illogical to me.
I haven’t read the book I received yet, but since the book cart is in the block, I picked up “Tuesdays with Morrie” and TarrinLupo’s “Pirates of the Savannah” and I put back the crappy Excalibur/King Arthurbook I was previously reading to help me sleep. Already I am over 100 pages in to “Tuesdays with Morrie” – it is fantastic. I’ve only been reading for about 2 hours, but I must’ve cried a gallon of tears, and I can’t stop turning pages. I am very excited that tonight I will be able to watch a live episode of Free Keene TV. Last Monday I was in “observation” so I didn’t have the opportunity. I’ll have to borrow someone’s headphones and radio to watch it today or share with another inmate watching.
Rapsher just came to visit me – the visits always fly by – it was just too short. It really lifts my spirits to have visitors. I miss Rapsher and think of him often – he’s a great person and a wonderful, dedicated, and articulate activist and proponent of person freedom.
The way the jail guard says “Head Count” sounds like the way an owner commands a dog, in a short, harsh tons that is clearly an order, not an announcement. I don’t like being commanded like a dog.
Ugh, Joe has been sleeping in the room for hours – I really feel like I can’t rewrite these motions today. I have to find out when my next court date is. I’ll call Michele Seven to thank for her card and find out – if not Ian may know.

5/15/12 – Day 9
Wow. The guard just told me that I am not allowed to request toilet paper except on Monday, Wednesdays, and Friday!What and I supposed to use, my hand? It’s not fault that my roommate uses a ton of toilet paper and leaves me with a nearly empty tube. These guards are dehumanizing – the one was talking on the phone and laughing away as I waited for him to push a botton to open the door to let me in to the cell block where I would be touched all over by him – then he picked on this kid for being on the rail while 4 others did the same. I can’t believe the attitude of these guards – how they smile and laugh as they “write up” inmates, leading them into conversations which would be totally benign on the outside but in here the guards are on the verge of putting handcuffs on inmates for mere conversation or genuineexpression of feelings or statements of facts or opinions which the guards don’t like.
Ughhhhh! In the middle of writing, I was called by order – “Cart Runners!” and was just groped twiceby the jail guard who is a stickler for following all rules, good or bad, by his own admission. It is such a horrible experience to have a strange authoritarian man who is wearing the gang symbol of the empire on his shoulder touch every inch of my body and squeeze as he feels. How dehumanizing. I could harp on this emotion and it would eat me up by I’ll choose to move on, or try. I also have to get it off my chest that I have to walk to theright side of the hallway at all times or be threatened with a “write-up” by my benevolent overlords in “Central Control”. I must depend on the same people to open/unlock every door and they watch me as I move around and approach each one. Butch said it’s better to here than homeless.
My experience here confirms what I had feared about the attitudes and behaviors of individuals who take the position of jail guard. They are people who appear to “get off” on exercising arbitrary authority on peaceful human beings to the point of treating them like animals – I can only wonder what this says about how they think about themselves. Thinking on this is making me feel ill, so I will concentrate on trying to enjoy this day – it is one of a numbered few here on earth, after all, and I suppose it is better than being dead. I will now work on Draft 2 of my motions for court with the hope that I will be able to keep myself from being further victimized by agents of the state in the form of at $1240 fine or 25 days in segregation.

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